How to Have Healthy Conflict in Your Relationship
As hard as it can be to admit, disagreements and arguments happen. Although they’re not fun and can be painful, it’s important to understand how to work through conflict in a relationship in a healthy way.
Sometimes couples will disagree, but it’s important to understand how you work through it; it can determine the course of your relationship. Throughout this article, when healthy conflict or conflict in general is mentioned, it’s important to note that this is only referring to verbal disagreements or arguments. At no point is physical contact or conflict acceptable or okay.
The key to healthy conflict is to remember that you and your partner are working through issues safely, healthily, and effectively. By doing so, this will allow you to have a mutual understanding while strengthening your relationship at the same time.
What is healthy conflict?
Healthy conflict is where you and your partner have a conversation around your concerns, and you both leave the conversation better than when you first entered it.
Why conflict occurs
No one thing can trigger conflict in a relationship. It can be something that seems trivial at the time, or it can be what many consider to be a dealbreaker. Some of those triggers include differences such as:
Large age gaps in the relationship. For some couples, a larger age gap can lead to conflict when you’re at different stages of your life. It’s important to note that this isn’t saying there’s something wrong with age gaps when both parties are of age. But for some couples, it can lead to conflicting priorities, overall goals, wants, and needs in a relationship.
Trying to change the other person. We all want our partners to be the best version of themselves and to be perfect. As hard as it can be to want to change them, it’s important to decide if you can handle the differences. At the same time, you will also need to determine how the changes you want your partner to make will impact both of you and those around you.
Differences in values and beliefs. This includes spiritual, educational, religious, political, or ethical beliefs. it can also involve your partner's moral and ethical values. When these values and beliefs differ, it can lead to conflict.
Personalities. One person may be more introverted and quiet, while the other is more outgoing. Another example could be one is a person while the other one is a night owl. Understanding how both parties feel and seeing if you can work together and find common ground is important.
How to engage in healthy conflict
Since we reviewed what healthy conflict is in different causes of conflict, it’s time to discuss how to engage in conflict healthily and effectively.
Remember that it’s okay to disagree. While we always want things to be perfect and see eye to eye with our partners, there will inevitably be topics you and your partner do not agree on. It may feel like you need to change for them or they need to change for you, but if the topics are not a dealbreaker, it’s okay to have different opinions. The key here is to remember to be respectful and understanding of each other.
Practice using "I feel" statements to help get your point across. Instead of saying, "You did this" and putting all of the blame on your partner, clearly explain how you’re feeling and what upset you without being judgmental.
Be clear in explaining and describing what you need from your partner. Whether you’re in conflict or not, it’s important to clearly communicate with your partner what you need without blaming them or being accusatory.
Show accountability and be willing to apologize. Even when we don’t want to say we’re sorry, sometimes it makes a huge difference in a relationship. When you apologize, make sure you’re saying exactly what you’re apologizing for instead of being vague.
Hopefully, the tips above will help you and your partner communicate clearly and effectively. And if a conflict occurs, you’re able to resolve it healthily.
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